Tough Skin, Soft Tissue

I just giggled at myself for such a title, because it's not what you would think it to be. It's been about a week and a half since my surgery and I have to say, where I first thought I was doing well, it turns out, that physically this was true, but emotionally, I had a long way to go.

I'm going to admit right off the bat that this has been the hardest month of my life. I have cried almost everyday straight, sometimes just at the thought of it all, other times at the fact that this whole thing was not what I thought it was going to be. I realized that people showed their true colors, but at the same time, not so much that I showed mine, but I showed how vulnerable I really am.

Everyone has known me to be a strong person, someone that they can rely on in tough times, because for the most part, I really am that person. I sympathize, I relate, I support like a great bra. But sometimes the wires in that support break and you have a choice, either you fix it, or you get a new bra lol. But hey! Don't go replacing me so fast, because in this instance, I am completely fixable, so maybe that analogy wasn't the best one, but I was trying to keep it in the TaTas theme, sorry.

Why tough skin, soft tissue? Because they say that the skin is thick, I mean it's made of three layers, and technically it does take some really sharp object to break through it. But that's the exterior. Beneath the skin lies soft tissue, and that's what's easier to wear and tear. Like the adenoma, it was a mass of soft tissue, that literally fell apart once removed.  And it's safe to say, this I pretty much did the same. I don't know what it was exactly. I don't know why. All I know is that I closed up. I shut down. I stopped talking to my parents and my family, I even stopped talking to most of my friends. I spoke to only a few select people, and while many of you knew what I was going through physically, few of you knew what I was going through emotionally.

As I said before, this was a scary ordeal. When you know there is something in your body that's not supposed to be there, all you want to do is get it out. But you know that removing it requires surgery and with surgery comes a whole flood of other fears and concerns. And while most of them seem so small and silly, when you pile that on top of everything you're already worried about, those small questions just get bigger and more overwhelming. I began to think about going under and wondering what if my heart stops because this was all too much for me? What if I have a bad reaction? What if the surgery takes longer than expected? What if it was bigger than expected?

Remember how as a kid, some of us, not sure if you were one of them, but some kids look at a boo boo and start to cry? And even though it didn't hurt anymore and it stopped bleeding, you'd be fine and then 20 minutes later, you see it and you just cry again? That's been me post op. I look at my bandages and I start to cry. I can't even see my scar yet, but I cry because I see bandages, and I know that underneath, my skin was cut to create this gaping hole where they pulled out a mass. I kid you not people, this was my thought process.

I was happy at first, I had an amazing support system. I was fine, things went well, I mean I was able to pretty much get back to normal with the exception of heavy lifting and stretching or reaching. Still I found that those limitations also made me feel like this wasn't going to be a super speedy recovery like they made it seem. I was ok with certain aspects because I got out of doing shipment at work :) but at the same time, I really felt like I wanted to be able to do so much more, and I just couldn't.

Ultimately, today is the first day that I have stopped crying. This morning I was still a tear fest, but with the help of my aunt and one of my amazing friends, I saw things a bit differently, and it really helped me to ease my thoughts and suppress my worries. I felt good, I felt like I could start to go back to myself, the way I was pre-fibroadenoma. We'll see how I continue to progress, but today, I took a huge step forward towards normalcy.