I'm so creative...
I've reached it, a quarter of my life is now pretty much complete. And while I haven't accomplished everything I set out to, the things I've endured, the obstacles I've overcome, have all led me to where I am today. To flashback to every major incident in my life would take forever and a day to get through it all, and I don't have that kind of time anymore ;)
For my birthday this year, I finally made a plan to accomplish one of the things I've always dreamed of doing for myself. While I originally wanted a party, I find that with parties, you never have the same friends from the time you make the invitations to the time of the actual party. So why waste the money and effort on something that will never be a solidified and definite plan? So that day I'm going into the city to enjoy the things that I love the most, museums, history, and the beautiful site of the fashion forward, financial center of our wonderful state. However, that's not what I set a plan for. I am going to finally do a photoshoot. I am going to have someone take a bunch of pictures at a location of my of my choosing to celebrate ME :)
25 years. It's insane to think about all that's happened, from moving as a kid to a strange new town, to graduating top 20 in my class, to working full time by the age of 19, to holding supervisory positions and climbing my way through insanely structured corporate/retailers, to finishing college with my 4 year degree, and that was all by the age of 22. Odd to think that it was barely just the beginning, and all of that was still the easier things to deal with.
After that the next three years became filled with anxiety, grief, loss, heartbreak, finding myself, losing myself, loss again, financial struggle, emotional issues, pre-depression, and my favorite, a series of uncontrollable health issues that all heavily changed my life.
I'm exhausted quite honestly. This year in itself has been one that I often thought to myself, "How on earth did I maintain my sanity?" I owe much of my strength to God, much of it to my late grandmother, and much of it to the way my parents raised me. I am a fighter, a trooper, a winner, a powerhouse, a leader, an intelligent, determined and oh so awesome woman.
Today, I stand two weeks away from my 25th birthday, and when my parents asked me what I wanted, I couldn't tell them, because I feel like I really have almost everything I wanted that they could give me and at this point, the thing I want the most, they really have no control over. And that's basically love and success. Health, I've got it, technology, I've got it, clothes, a roof, and entertainment, I've got it.
This year, I celebrate me, because I honestly believe I deserve it, and I'm going to show it! I'm ready to GO!
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
Tough Skin, Soft Tissue
I just giggled at myself for such a title, because it's not what you would think it to be. It's been about a week and a half since my surgery and I have to say, where I first thought I was doing well, it turns out, that physically this was true, but emotionally, I had a long way to go.
I'm going to admit right off the bat that this has been the hardest month of my life. I have cried almost everyday straight, sometimes just at the thought of it all, other times at the fact that this whole thing was not what I thought it was going to be. I realized that people showed their true colors, but at the same time, not so much that I showed mine, but I showed how vulnerable I really am.
Everyone has known me to be a strong person, someone that they can rely on in tough times, because for the most part, I really am that person. I sympathize, I relate, I support like a great bra. But sometimes the wires in that support break and you have a choice, either you fix it, or you get a new bra lol. But hey! Don't go replacing me so fast, because in this instance, I am completely fixable, so maybe that analogy wasn't the best one, but I was trying to keep it in the TaTas theme, sorry.
Why tough skin, soft tissue? Because they say that the skin is thick, I mean it's made of three layers, and technically it does take some really sharp object to break through it. But that's the exterior. Beneath the skin lies soft tissue, and that's what's easier to wear and tear. Like the adenoma, it was a mass of soft tissue, that literally fell apart once removed. And it's safe to say, this I pretty much did the same. I don't know what it was exactly. I don't know why. All I know is that I closed up. I shut down. I stopped talking to my parents and my family, I even stopped talking to most of my friends. I spoke to only a few select people, and while many of you knew what I was going through physically, few of you knew what I was going through emotionally.
As I said before, this was a scary ordeal. When you know there is something in your body that's not supposed to be there, all you want to do is get it out. But you know that removing it requires surgery and with surgery comes a whole flood of other fears and concerns. And while most of them seem so small and silly, when you pile that on top of everything you're already worried about, those small questions just get bigger and more overwhelming. I began to think about going under and wondering what if my heart stops because this was all too much for me? What if I have a bad reaction? What if the surgery takes longer than expected? What if it was bigger than expected?
Remember how as a kid, some of us, not sure if you were one of them, but some kids look at a boo boo and start to cry? And even though it didn't hurt anymore and it stopped bleeding, you'd be fine and then 20 minutes later, you see it and you just cry again? That's been me post op. I look at my bandages and I start to cry. I can't even see my scar yet, but I cry because I see bandages, and I know that underneath, my skin was cut to create this gaping hole where they pulled out a mass. I kid you not people, this was my thought process.
I was happy at first, I had an amazing support system. I was fine, things went well, I mean I was able to pretty much get back to normal with the exception of heavy lifting and stretching or reaching. Still I found that those limitations also made me feel like this wasn't going to be a super speedy recovery like they made it seem. I was ok with certain aspects because I got out of doing shipment at work :) but at the same time, I really felt like I wanted to be able to do so much more, and I just couldn't.
Ultimately, today is the first day that I have stopped crying. This morning I was still a tear fest, but with the help of my aunt and one of my amazing friends, I saw things a bit differently, and it really helped me to ease my thoughts and suppress my worries. I felt good, I felt like I could start to go back to myself, the way I was pre-fibroadenoma. We'll see how I continue to progress, but today, I took a huge step forward towards normalcy.
I'm going to admit right off the bat that this has been the hardest month of my life. I have cried almost everyday straight, sometimes just at the thought of it all, other times at the fact that this whole thing was not what I thought it was going to be. I realized that people showed their true colors, but at the same time, not so much that I showed mine, but I showed how vulnerable I really am.
Everyone has known me to be a strong person, someone that they can rely on in tough times, because for the most part, I really am that person. I sympathize, I relate, I support like a great bra. But sometimes the wires in that support break and you have a choice, either you fix it, or you get a new bra lol. But hey! Don't go replacing me so fast, because in this instance, I am completely fixable, so maybe that analogy wasn't the best one, but I was trying to keep it in the TaTas theme, sorry.
Why tough skin, soft tissue? Because they say that the skin is thick, I mean it's made of three layers, and technically it does take some really sharp object to break through it. But that's the exterior. Beneath the skin lies soft tissue, and that's what's easier to wear and tear. Like the adenoma, it was a mass of soft tissue, that literally fell apart once removed. And it's safe to say, this I pretty much did the same. I don't know what it was exactly. I don't know why. All I know is that I closed up. I shut down. I stopped talking to my parents and my family, I even stopped talking to most of my friends. I spoke to only a few select people, and while many of you knew what I was going through physically, few of you knew what I was going through emotionally.
As I said before, this was a scary ordeal. When you know there is something in your body that's not supposed to be there, all you want to do is get it out. But you know that removing it requires surgery and with surgery comes a whole flood of other fears and concerns. And while most of them seem so small and silly, when you pile that on top of everything you're already worried about, those small questions just get bigger and more overwhelming. I began to think about going under and wondering what if my heart stops because this was all too much for me? What if I have a bad reaction? What if the surgery takes longer than expected? What if it was bigger than expected?
Remember how as a kid, some of us, not sure if you were one of them, but some kids look at a boo boo and start to cry? And even though it didn't hurt anymore and it stopped bleeding, you'd be fine and then 20 minutes later, you see it and you just cry again? That's been me post op. I look at my bandages and I start to cry. I can't even see my scar yet, but I cry because I see bandages, and I know that underneath, my skin was cut to create this gaping hole where they pulled out a mass. I kid you not people, this was my thought process.
I was happy at first, I had an amazing support system. I was fine, things went well, I mean I was able to pretty much get back to normal with the exception of heavy lifting and stretching or reaching. Still I found that those limitations also made me feel like this wasn't going to be a super speedy recovery like they made it seem. I was ok with certain aspects because I got out of doing shipment at work :) but at the same time, I really felt like I wanted to be able to do so much more, and I just couldn't.
Ultimately, today is the first day that I have stopped crying. This morning I was still a tear fest, but with the help of my aunt and one of my amazing friends, I saw things a bit differently, and it really helped me to ease my thoughts and suppress my worries. I felt good, I felt like I could start to go back to myself, the way I was pre-fibroadenoma. We'll see how I continue to progress, but today, I took a huge step forward towards normalcy.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Feeling Myself..Part 3 Post Surgery
So I finally had the surgery yesterday to remove the mass that was in my boob. My goodness was that an experience in itself. To be honest, it was the scariest, most nervewracking experience ever. To be in a hospital waiting room while you get the pre-op paperwork done, then you're shown into your room where they make you change into your robe behind a curtain, and not only that but you're stuck trying not to listen to the conversations going on around you, because you'd rather not know what the person next to you is going through, and hearing them voicing their concerns does not make yours any less.
I got the lucky opportunity to have my IV put in by a new nurse, and let me tell you, she was not successful. Here's the problem, I am absolutely terrible with needles, and I didn't need to hear someone say, "um, her vein shifted, I think we'll have to start over". But me being the big baby that I am, I got dizzy and nauseous and needed a few minutes to breathe, just so I wouldn't throw up. They decided to give me a pro nurse the second time around. Needless to say, my left arm and my left hand both have a nice black and blue.
I met with my anesthesiologist who asked me much of the same questions the pre-op nurse did. But when she didn't address my anxiety, I asked about it, and she was like are you worried about this? Of course, I said yeah, I'm kind of overwhelmed. She gave me something that was equivalent to two cups of wine and the worry surely went away. Overall, the operation took longer than originally anticipated, but I do feel like I'm handling it better than I thought I would.
Today I'm a bit sore, I'm in slight pain, but not enough to fill the super strong prescription that they gave me. I'm trying to be a trooper about all this and minimize the amount of pills I take. I want to endure this as best as I can. I am also swollen so I've been icing it to try and minimize it, but again, it's just all part of the recovery process.
I do have to say that throughout all this, I've had an amazing support system. And I truly want to thank those who were there for me. To those who weren't, it's fine, because I didn't have any expectations going through this. In fact, a good portion of those who read the first blog have yet to do my challenge that I asked of them. So in all honesty, I know where I stand and the people who stuck by me are the people who I will treasure the most, forever. Because they didn't have to take time out of their lives for something so heavy and something so hard-hitting but they did. They did it for me, and I will never forget it.
This journey isn't over. Tomorrow I get my dressings changed, and then I still have to wait for the final results of the biopsy. The good news of it all is that my scar will be minimal, the mass is out of my chest, and I can continue to work on maintaining my health while I'm still young and still got it. I'm happy with knowing that this was an eye-opening experience, and that there are people in my life who no matter what, were there for me, even if they hadn't known me for years. I have so much love in my heart right now, and I am so ready to share it.
I got the lucky opportunity to have my IV put in by a new nurse, and let me tell you, she was not successful. Here's the problem, I am absolutely terrible with needles, and I didn't need to hear someone say, "um, her vein shifted, I think we'll have to start over". But me being the big baby that I am, I got dizzy and nauseous and needed a few minutes to breathe, just so I wouldn't throw up. They decided to give me a pro nurse the second time around. Needless to say, my left arm and my left hand both have a nice black and blue.
I met with my anesthesiologist who asked me much of the same questions the pre-op nurse did. But when she didn't address my anxiety, I asked about it, and she was like are you worried about this? Of course, I said yeah, I'm kind of overwhelmed. She gave me something that was equivalent to two cups of wine and the worry surely went away. Overall, the operation took longer than originally anticipated, but I do feel like I'm handling it better than I thought I would.
Today I'm a bit sore, I'm in slight pain, but not enough to fill the super strong prescription that they gave me. I'm trying to be a trooper about all this and minimize the amount of pills I take. I want to endure this as best as I can. I am also swollen so I've been icing it to try and minimize it, but again, it's just all part of the recovery process.
I do have to say that throughout all this, I've had an amazing support system. And I truly want to thank those who were there for me. To those who weren't, it's fine, because I didn't have any expectations going through this. In fact, a good portion of those who read the first blog have yet to do my challenge that I asked of them. So in all honesty, I know where I stand and the people who stuck by me are the people who I will treasure the most, forever. Because they didn't have to take time out of their lives for something so heavy and something so hard-hitting but they did. They did it for me, and I will never forget it.
This journey isn't over. Tomorrow I get my dressings changed, and then I still have to wait for the final results of the biopsy. The good news of it all is that my scar will be minimal, the mass is out of my chest, and I can continue to work on maintaining my health while I'm still young and still got it. I'm happy with knowing that this was an eye-opening experience, and that there are people in my life who no matter what, were there for me, even if they hadn't known me for years. I have so much love in my heart right now, and I am so ready to share it.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Because She's With Me
Today was interesting...
I've always believed that dragonflies and butterflies are the embodiment of the souls of people in our lives who have passed away but have come to our side in times of need. Some of my friends have looked at me as though I was strange, but today was a bit of solid proof that my belief may not be so farfetched. Or today could be considered a complete coincidence. Either way, I'm taking something from it.
After having coffee with my friend today, I went to Staples to visit some old coworkers and friends. Lo and behold, there was a former customer of mine getting signs done for Breast Cancer Awareness, which truly warmed my heart. Yes I'm a big sap. So I said hi to my former customer and they actually would end up needing my help, which gained me them as my customers in my current field. Very exciting right?
As luck and fate would have it, this customer is a psychic. Yes, a psychic. Normally I'm not really into the whole psychic thing, let me give you a reading, and tell you stuff about your life that you may or may not want to hear. But when I was catching up with this oh so sweet lady, she looked at my necklace and asked if that was my grandmother, and I said yes, and she was like, she crossed over right? And I responded yes again. Then she said, what I already suspected, "she's still with you, you know". That made my day. Because earlier that day, I saw a monarch butterfly. And yesterday I saw the butterfly and dragonfly. So I know that she has been making appearances, but it was nice to have outside confirmation. It was odd, but truly nice. And to that ends my story of my happy awkward moment, because she's with me :)
I've always believed that dragonflies and butterflies are the embodiment of the souls of people in our lives who have passed away but have come to our side in times of need. Some of my friends have looked at me as though I was strange, but today was a bit of solid proof that my belief may not be so farfetched. Or today could be considered a complete coincidence. Either way, I'm taking something from it.
After having coffee with my friend today, I went to Staples to visit some old coworkers and friends. Lo and behold, there was a former customer of mine getting signs done for Breast Cancer Awareness, which truly warmed my heart. Yes I'm a big sap. So I said hi to my former customer and they actually would end up needing my help, which gained me them as my customers in my current field. Very exciting right?
As luck and fate would have it, this customer is a psychic. Yes, a psychic. Normally I'm not really into the whole psychic thing, let me give you a reading, and tell you stuff about your life that you may or may not want to hear. But when I was catching up with this oh so sweet lady, she looked at my necklace and asked if that was my grandmother, and I said yes, and she was like, she crossed over right? And I responded yes again. Then she said, what I already suspected, "she's still with you, you know". That made my day. Because earlier that day, I saw a monarch butterfly. And yesterday I saw the butterfly and dragonfly. So I know that she has been making appearances, but it was nice to have outside confirmation. It was odd, but truly nice. And to that ends my story of my happy awkward moment, because she's with me :)
Monday, October 1, 2012
Still Feeling Myself...My Journey Continues
So today was my appointment with the specialist, and I have to say I definitely believe I chose the right person to take care of me!
Here's the deal, it turns out this damn mass is a little bit bigger than we expected, and it's pushing the border on the scale of a large fibroadenoma. In other words, it definitely has to come out. It's seemingly benign with no indication or suspicion of being cancerous, therefore a biopsy is not needed prior to surgery, which means less time waiting, and less time worrying. What a damn relief!
In short, my surgery is scheduled for Wednesday 10/10 which the doc and I agree it's a lucky number :) I'll have to go back a week later for a post-op follow up and I may be able to come out with a minimal scar! Amazing :)
I'll keep you all posted post surgery. And I will be taking pink pics this month too. I just want to wait til this is over, or maybe I'll post later this week pre-op as well. Oh and I'm definitely rocking pink nails this month too!
Keep the pink coming and FEEL YOURSELF!
Here's the deal, it turns out this damn mass is a little bit bigger than we expected, and it's pushing the border on the scale of a large fibroadenoma. In other words, it definitely has to come out. It's seemingly benign with no indication or suspicion of being cancerous, therefore a biopsy is not needed prior to surgery, which means less time waiting, and less time worrying. What a damn relief!
In short, my surgery is scheduled for Wednesday 10/10 which the doc and I agree it's a lucky number :) I'll have to go back a week later for a post-op follow up and I may be able to come out with a minimal scar! Amazing :)
I'll keep you all posted post surgery. And I will be taking pink pics this month too. I just want to wait til this is over, or maybe I'll post later this week pre-op as well. Oh and I'm definitely rocking pink nails this month too!
Keep the pink coming and FEEL YOURSELF!
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