Tough Skin, Soft Tissue

I just giggled at myself for such a title, because it's not what you would think it to be. It's been about a week and a half since my surgery and I have to say, where I first thought I was doing well, it turns out, that physically this was true, but emotionally, I had a long way to go.

I'm going to admit right off the bat that this has been the hardest month of my life. I have cried almost everyday straight, sometimes just at the thought of it all, other times at the fact that this whole thing was not what I thought it was going to be. I realized that people showed their true colors, but at the same time, not so much that I showed mine, but I showed how vulnerable I really am.

Everyone has known me to be a strong person, someone that they can rely on in tough times, because for the most part, I really am that person. I sympathize, I relate, I support like a great bra. But sometimes the wires in that support break and you have a choice, either you fix it, or you get a new bra lol. But hey! Don't go replacing me so fast, because in this instance, I am completely fixable, so maybe that analogy wasn't the best one, but I was trying to keep it in the TaTas theme, sorry.

Why tough skin, soft tissue? Because they say that the skin is thick, I mean it's made of three layers, and technically it does take some really sharp object to break through it. But that's the exterior. Beneath the skin lies soft tissue, and that's what's easier to wear and tear. Like the adenoma, it was a mass of soft tissue, that literally fell apart once removed.  And it's safe to say, this I pretty much did the same. I don't know what it was exactly. I don't know why. All I know is that I closed up. I shut down. I stopped talking to my parents and my family, I even stopped talking to most of my friends. I spoke to only a few select people, and while many of you knew what I was going through physically, few of you knew what I was going through emotionally.

As I said before, this was a scary ordeal. When you know there is something in your body that's not supposed to be there, all you want to do is get it out. But you know that removing it requires surgery and with surgery comes a whole flood of other fears and concerns. And while most of them seem so small and silly, when you pile that on top of everything you're already worried about, those small questions just get bigger and more overwhelming. I began to think about going under and wondering what if my heart stops because this was all too much for me? What if I have a bad reaction? What if the surgery takes longer than expected? What if it was bigger than expected?

Remember how as a kid, some of us, not sure if you were one of them, but some kids look at a boo boo and start to cry? And even though it didn't hurt anymore and it stopped bleeding, you'd be fine and then 20 minutes later, you see it and you just cry again? That's been me post op. I look at my bandages and I start to cry. I can't even see my scar yet, but I cry because I see bandages, and I know that underneath, my skin was cut to create this gaping hole where they pulled out a mass. I kid you not people, this was my thought process.

I was happy at first, I had an amazing support system. I was fine, things went well, I mean I was able to pretty much get back to normal with the exception of heavy lifting and stretching or reaching. Still I found that those limitations also made me feel like this wasn't going to be a super speedy recovery like they made it seem. I was ok with certain aspects because I got out of doing shipment at work :) but at the same time, I really felt like I wanted to be able to do so much more, and I just couldn't.

Ultimately, today is the first day that I have stopped crying. This morning I was still a tear fest, but with the help of my aunt and one of my amazing friends, I saw things a bit differently, and it really helped me to ease my thoughts and suppress my worries. I felt good, I felt like I could start to go back to myself, the way I was pre-fibroadenoma. We'll see how I continue to progress, but today, I took a huge step forward towards normalcy.

I'm Feeling Myself...Are You?

This is probably going to be the most important blog I will ever write. This is a blog that I never thought I'd be sharing, a topic I never thought I'd experience. And while many women have gone through worse, it's still a fucking scary thing when you're on that table and you hear something that will change your life, change your perspective, and honest to God it will make you value everything you've ever acquired.

Today, I received news that I have a fibroadenoma. A common, typically benign, small tumor, or lump on my breast. Easily removed through surgery, and many even choose to leave it and monitor it, as some tend to go away on their own. They can grow to be the size of a lemon, or they can be tiny. Mine is 2.5cm wide and 1.15cm in height. I'll most likely opt to have it removed, because I certainly do not want to know that there is an irritating lump present in my chest. You're not welcome here buddy, sorry you're gonna have to go.

I'm not writing this blog for pity, for viewers, for fans, for sympathy. None of that. I'm writing this blog today, because it's important for us women at ANY age to really start taking care of ourselves. I'm 24, about to be 25, and I'm thinking, man I have a LIFE ahead of me, I have TIME. But even then, there are just NO guarantees whatsoever! There's a lot in my life I want to accomplish, and have yet to accomplish, and I'm not going anywhere until I'm done.

Back to my point, back to my awesome title...FEEL YOURSELF UP!!! Yeah it sounds so wrong, but we have got to do it. Go online and look up how to administer a self breast exam and start feeling those bad boys up. Don't wanna do it? Then have your boyfriend or girlfriend do it. Tell them what they should be looking for, and look regularly! That means once a month, because ladies, our hormones are forever raging. They change our bodies constantly and again, typically, we're told to wait til we're 30, but turns out, a fibroadenoma is more common in women under 30.

Oh and lastly, fuck you school system for not adding this shit to the health education line-up. Saving the TaTas is such a big deal nowadays, and we should start to face the damn reality...it can happen at any age, even if it is more common in women over 40. I don't care about common anymore, I was never COMMON to begin with. So let's eliminate that word, and introduce reality, that ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING is possible.

And by the way, if you're a friend of mine, and you truly care, here's what I want you all to do. I'm not asking you to make a donation in my name or anything like that. I'm gonna make it fun for you all...and I'm gonna add my own, to show that I'm gonna play fair. Go out, buy a pink shirt (you can get plain t's cheap almost anywhere so don't give me the broke excuse), and buy one of those braceletes, any bracelet. Whether it says I love Boobies, or it's a real Breast Cancer bracelet. Then, wear it, and post a picture!!! Title it I'm Feeling Myself! Plus, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month anyway...it's only super appropriate! Do this for me, fellas too! I wanna see these pics so get to posting and add it in my comments box! If you really wanna make me feel awesome, tag me in that shit! LOVE YOU ALL!