These eyes gaze upon me and they see everything that I don't want them to see, let alone anyone else. They see me, inside and out. They see me exposed, they see me covered. They see me in my every moment of weakness and in my every moment of strength. These eyes start from the top. They see my hair. It has roots growing in, I should dye it again. It looks messy, I didn't get to straighten it the way I wanted to this morning. It just wasn't coming out right. It's getting too long for me to handle. Ugh my hair, maybe I should let it keep growing, I mean it does look a bit nice the way it flows. At least it's shiny and not dull.
Then those eyes migrate to my face. I broke out. I have blemishes and dark spots everywhere. At least I look better than what I did a week ago, even two weeks ago. That was just embarrassing. Bad acne, it was terrible. Now just to get those dark spots. Don't smile, your teeth could be whiter. My face is bare, not an ounce of make-up. I knew I should have at least put on eyeliner and mascara. Or even some foundation, then these dark spots wouldn't be so bad. Please don't look at my face much longer. Oh dear, what's next?
My upper body. I have tattoos, yes I know. Don't judge me on them, they have meaning. Yes that's one on my chest. And yes, it's a dragonfly, so what. I plan on adding more to it anyway. I should cover my boobs, I don't want these eyes to see my scar. My scar, from my surgery. Still doing fine, thankfully. Although I get the occasional pain. I heard that comes with any surgery though. Then there's that birthmark. It had to be this one light skin patch in the middle of my chest. I wish my neck wasn't so boney. I look skinny. Except my stomach, it's not as flat as I want it to be. I'm still working on that. Summer six pack is my goal, are you finished yet? Not sure how much more I can endure.
My lower body...ok good, these eyes are almost done staring. I feel like I've just been examined from head to toe, well ok I have been. My legs are nothing to brag about. I have wide hips for a girl my height. Let's face it, I'm Hispanic, hips were bound to happen here. My thighs are a bit chunky, not toned, but those are getting there too. I have scars on them also, but that's because I was a bit more of an outdoor kid, which brings me to my knees...yep, banged up and dry, with a big scar of where I scraped myself running. I hit the concrete pretty hard that day. I remember that cut too. It hurt bad. That scar never went away. Thank goodness I shaved today, at least my legs are smooth. My calves are kind of toned. That's because I have a job where I'm mostly standing. But then there's the fact that I come home and dance to my music. I also used to dance at my family parties. You get good tone if you can dance some salsa and merengue. Thank you mom for that one. You're pretty much done there right? I mean my feet? They're small. I have little toes too. I need a pedicure, but I mean it hasn't exactly been open toe shoe weather. Stop staring, you're killing me.
These eyes upon me, looking at every detail of my body. Examining me, breaking me down, wearing on my soul, judging me...these eyes, they're my own. And if this is how I feel about myself sometimes, how is it that he can call me beautiful? How is it that he can see every inch of me, see me pre-op, post-op and not care? How is it that he can say everytime he sees me that I still look amazing? He'll never know the comfort he gives me, the self-esteem he gives a boost, the eyes that overanalyze, are trying to see what he sees. He sees me, and at the end of the day, if he can still sit there and tell me I'm awesome, and tell me that I'm amazing, then maybe these eyes, are blind to what's really there. Show me the way....show me your way. Show me, the me that you see. She sounds beautiful <3
Showing posts with label art. Show all posts
Showing posts with label art. Show all posts
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Permanent Art...Tattoos
As a girl who absolutely indulges herself in symbolism, one of the things that I find myself drawn to is tattoos. A lot of people who are more traditional and contemporary don't understand the idea of tattoos, most see it as a form of rebellion from strict parents, but today, tattoo is starting to become what it always has been, a permanent form of expression between two people, on a canvas that can't be more personal than your own body.
Tattoos are a process. They are something that takes extreme courage for a lot of reasons. For the first, there's the idea of trust. You are trusting an individual other than yourself to be able to express what you are feeling, what you want others to feel when they look at your tattoo. You are trusting another person to kind of sort of get inside your head, take your basic idea, expand it and turn it into a symbolic work of art that not only expresses you, but highlights their work as an artist. That my friends, is something that is very difficult to do.
The second reason, it is painful, and furthermore, it is permanent. You are enduring minutes to hours of pain, while a needle presses ink underneath your skin that is super permanent. God forbid you end up being allergic to a color, your body is now fighting against something it doesn't like. You have to endure days of ointment to minimize the pain, you have to endure the breakout that you may experience from the allergic reaction (I found that I'm somewhat allergic to pinks. My body will now tolerate it, but the healing process is initially a break out around the pink). Certain parts of the body are more sensitive than others, you're hitting bone structures, you're hitting nerve endings, your body is literally at the hands of someone else who has to somehow understand that this is not easy.
Third, it's a matter of comfort! You are entrusting someone to see parts of your body that are otherwise hidden by clothing. If you choose a chest tattoo, as a female, you're in a spaghetti strap tank if that...sometimes, your shirt is off completely. If you want a thigh tattoo, welcome some short shorts into your life girl. Want a back piece? It all comes off with your shirt being your only cover for your boobs. If you end up with a male artist, you have to be willing to allow these guys to not merely touch you, but to rest their arms and hands against your body, holding it still while inking your skin. They see the parts of you that you may otherwise be uncomfortable with. They see you, and sometimes they also see your scars, especially if you're trying to cover them up. Your artist, is now your most personal invader. But guess what, this is the person who is creating for you, something you feel is absolutely worthwhile.
Communication is key with a tattoo. You have to fully express your ideas, your desires, but you have to do so clearly so that they can interpret what's on your mind. A lot of times people realize that this is a difficult thing, and they bring artwork with them, and have that tattooed. I've done it. I've gone online and just had basic images tatted on me, and sometimes, I'll allow my artist to sort of go with it, but most times we stick to the image at hand. Flexibility allows the artist to create something for you that is original and that will stand out more. And that is something I look forward to for my future ink.
But the point of my blog is this...tattoos are permanent art. And they are absolutely that, ART. They are expression, they are color, sometimes they are black and white, they are imagery, they are symbolism, they tell stories. Tattoos are a composite of ideas, they are communication between two people who have an understanding of one story, of one piece, and they are a product of trust, of passion, of comfort. If after this, you still don't understand it, then that's fine...you don't have to. But just don't judge a person or think of them a rebel. There may be more to their tattoos than you think.
Tattoos are a process. They are something that takes extreme courage for a lot of reasons. For the first, there's the idea of trust. You are trusting an individual other than yourself to be able to express what you are feeling, what you want others to feel when they look at your tattoo. You are trusting another person to kind of sort of get inside your head, take your basic idea, expand it and turn it into a symbolic work of art that not only expresses you, but highlights their work as an artist. That my friends, is something that is very difficult to do.
The second reason, it is painful, and furthermore, it is permanent. You are enduring minutes to hours of pain, while a needle presses ink underneath your skin that is super permanent. God forbid you end up being allergic to a color, your body is now fighting against something it doesn't like. You have to endure days of ointment to minimize the pain, you have to endure the breakout that you may experience from the allergic reaction (I found that I'm somewhat allergic to pinks. My body will now tolerate it, but the healing process is initially a break out around the pink). Certain parts of the body are more sensitive than others, you're hitting bone structures, you're hitting nerve endings, your body is literally at the hands of someone else who has to somehow understand that this is not easy.
Third, it's a matter of comfort! You are entrusting someone to see parts of your body that are otherwise hidden by clothing. If you choose a chest tattoo, as a female, you're in a spaghetti strap tank if that...sometimes, your shirt is off completely. If you want a thigh tattoo, welcome some short shorts into your life girl. Want a back piece? It all comes off with your shirt being your only cover for your boobs. If you end up with a male artist, you have to be willing to allow these guys to not merely touch you, but to rest their arms and hands against your body, holding it still while inking your skin. They see the parts of you that you may otherwise be uncomfortable with. They see you, and sometimes they also see your scars, especially if you're trying to cover them up. Your artist, is now your most personal invader. But guess what, this is the person who is creating for you, something you feel is absolutely worthwhile.
Communication is key with a tattoo. You have to fully express your ideas, your desires, but you have to do so clearly so that they can interpret what's on your mind. A lot of times people realize that this is a difficult thing, and they bring artwork with them, and have that tattooed. I've done it. I've gone online and just had basic images tatted on me, and sometimes, I'll allow my artist to sort of go with it, but most times we stick to the image at hand. Flexibility allows the artist to create something for you that is original and that will stand out more. And that is something I look forward to for my future ink.
But the point of my blog is this...tattoos are permanent art. And they are absolutely that, ART. They are expression, they are color, sometimes they are black and white, they are imagery, they are symbolism, they tell stories. Tattoos are a composite of ideas, they are communication between two people who have an understanding of one story, of one piece, and they are a product of trust, of passion, of comfort. If after this, you still don't understand it, then that's fine...you don't have to. But just don't judge a person or think of them a rebel. There may be more to their tattoos than you think.
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